torstai 21. elokuuta 2014

What to do?

Two weeks at new school are over. Not much to say, kinda lonely. I guess I am so unapproachable but that is something I learned to be when I was bullied, that I would not get hurt. It is just so hard for be to approach people, they should come to me and realize that I am OK. It would be nice to get friends but on the other hand I am afraid that I end up being the only flame keeping the friendship going. Without me it would enter into a pile of coal.

Why do I even have to go to school anymore? I have been on the road of education for 12 years. Six of which (elementary) was like heaven and other six (high school) like hell. I was invisible, I was nothing. I don´t know what this current school is. It´s not heaven but it´s not hell. I don´t even know if it´s something between. I don´t want to be no one. I would like to be someone. I would like to be me again. I just need to sew pieces of me together. Not sure if I have all the pieces. With a strong yarn so I no longer would shatter or with silk yarn so that it would not hurt so much if my scars becomes re-opened? Sometimes I feel like a broken mirror, I have put together all the pieces but the reflection I get is not is not intact, it is distorted.
Why I just could not be a writer? Write books in my attic room and perhaps become rich. Why I can´t just be a free spirit and do what I want? Why I have to get to situations that are hard for me just because everyone else thinks that I am nothing without a "real career"?

Some situation haunted me so that I cried, makes me wonder if I should find another way to get a degree. Maybe apprenticeship, it would not be in school environment. And people around me would be much older than me. I get a long with older people than me and little ones. But laboratory studies is something that would get me closer to cryonics and immortality. I need to think about things and to consider carefully the various options. I wonder if I could study laboratory technician with apprenticeship?

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